


low tide, high tide

by aestheticisms (R_Vienna)



Series: this sea is wild [1]
Category: Ensemble Stars! (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, Pacific Rim AU
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-12-09
Updated: 2015-12-09
Packaged: 2018-05-05 21:10:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5390567
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/R_Vienna/pseuds/aestheticisms
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(we sink, we lift our lives.)</p><p>Kaoru Hakaze will never be a hero. It's really fine. His story is his own.<br/>Enstars/Pacific Rim AU.</p>
            </blockquote>





	low tide, high tide

low tide, high tigh

(we sink, we lift our lives.)

.

.

("Don't follow someone if you're not willing to commit.")

* * *

Kaoru Hakaze is nine years old when his parents make the move to the coast.

He surfs because he used to be a competitive swimmer. Taking a board seemed to be the next best thing. His parents got divorced the first summer under that relentless sun and he tried to play it off like he saw it coming. The only thing he could ever see coming was the yellow school bus. A bus that would drive past his house every morning and he would let it go by. He's not fond of extra work, anyway.  

He grows up in the same bad, ravaged neighborhood Chiaki Morisawa and Kanata Shinkai do. There’s broken windows and littered streets, turf wars capsized into baseball games and relay races. Half of them don’t go to school anymore. What’s the point when they could all die the next day, Kaoru says. It doesn’t stop him from hiding behind the one-man hero show when the other boys get rowdy because Kaoru has a nice, pretty face and he can't let his dad know he's been getting into fights. Kanata holds his hand when it gets really bad. He's still got baby fat and knobby knuckles and he says, Chiaki is a hero and a friend to us both. Kaoru believes him. One hundred percent.   
  
It's weird. Believing in something.

* * *

They grow up. Kanata, with his blue hair and regulation uniform, he is the only one who attends school regularly so Chiaki and Kaoru go out to the shore. It's always too dark and too wild for surfing but Kaoru takes his board out anyway and even Chiaki thinks that's a death wish. He's the one who always swims out after him. Pulls him back. He's had practice with Kanata but at least he's stopped going in.

Kaoru half-hopes a big wave takes them both. Then he thinks about Kanata. Maybe the three of them, then.  
  
They're fifteen and the world is changing into something new. All three of them spend tanabata , the wish granting festival, lying down on the sand, hoping for one more week of. Whatever this was. This summer. One more. They’re desperate. With hands held tight, and with eyes wide open, sketching constellations in a cloudy sky. Chiaki will tell his favorite story, a rehash of a sentai show, and Kanata and Kaoru will listen attentively. This is their love. 

The officers visit Chiaki's house first. There's not much to look at. Kanata is under a table, making felt sea creatures and Kaoru is threading needles for him, cutting patterns. He's come to appreciate Kanata's babble because it makes him have to think less. He can tease him, and prod him, but that's all that needs to be done and he has a nice shoulder to lean on. Other kids make fun of him, but Kaoru's learned how to fight them off. He has a switchblade in his back pocket and Kanata smiles like he's won the lottery.   
  
Kaoru will never be a hero. It's really that simple. He fights dirty and uses people. Kanata doesn't mind.   
  
Chiaki doesn't either but he makes a big deal out of it. Someone has to have a level head around here.   
  
Akiomi Kunugi wears patent leather shoes and a nice suit. He looks terribly out of place in this dingy room. The light bulb they've managed to keep alive, it flickers on, and off.   
  
On. 

“Do you want to join the academy?”  
  
Off.   
  
Chiaki doesn't let him finish his proposal. He's already up on his feet. Yes. Yes. Absolutely.   
  
Like he's been waiting his entire life.   
Kanata frowns. He pricks his thumb. Kaoru clicks his tongue and puts a piece of scrap fabric over it. Be more careful.   
  
The man looks over at them, under the table. With a sea creature family and a pair of lefty scissors.   
  
His glasses glint. He pushes them up against the bridge of his nose and pulls out a tablet.   
  
"Hakaze, Shinkai. I didn't expect the other two on the recruitment list to be here."   
  
Kanata is quiet.   
  
"What do you want."   
  
Kaoru doesn't have time for this.   
  
He explains the Jaeger program, the reason any of them were still alive, he adds in a curt monotone, and how the three of them came up as potential recruits. Kaoru wonders if they got a budget cut or something. There's nothing special about a Hakaze. He has no lineage to speak of. No connections no ties, and that's how he likes it. It didn't matter how watered down and ruddy the blood running through his veins was. As long as he didn't have to do anything for anyone else because of it, he was thankful.   
  
Shinkai. That was different.   
Morisawa, he didn't know.   
  
And here he was, being offered the same grave.   
  
Kaoru says no.   
Kanata says yes.   
Kaoru has to amend his response and that gets something wry out of the man.   
  
"Don't follow someone if you're not willing to commit."   
  
And they leave.   
  
It's the last summer they'll ever have together.   
  
Kaoru hates working and skips the pilot training all together. He skulks in corners, flirts with the girls, because in a world where gods and monsters fucked around in, girls were his only salvation and religion. Kanata tells him he should come at least once. Maybe he'll like it. And Kaoru asks him, “Do you like it?”   
  
“No,” Kanata says softly. “I don't. But Chiaki is my friend.”   
  
And Kaoru wants to asks where he ranks on that list of friendship. After Chiaki? Before the stuffed eel? Give him a break.   
  
If there's anything he's good at, it's the leg work. His grades were average at best, he's not bad at anything but there isn't any material he can consider himself a master over, unless the subject was girls--   
  
He talks a lot of shit for a virgin.   
  
Kaoru gets assigned on missions that require information bargaining. He's good at getting what he wants. Smooth talking. Pursuing. He's good at all those kinds of things, but not at fighting. that's for Chiaki. And Kanata. Apparently. they're rising stars and the heroes of their own story and Kaoru tries not to feel so fucking left out.   
  
Kanata tries to mitigate that gap, bridge the distance. Says that Kaoru is doing a good job and that he's glad they came here together, like Kaoru didn't know he was brainfucking Chiaki.   
  
The worst part is when Kanata looks at him sadly.

* * *

He buttons upon his starched shirts and wears his nice suits. Leather shoes. Kunugi says, he's surprised he knows how to tie a tie and Kaoru snips back, girls like the way it feels around their wrists. That shuts him up.   
  
Kaoru is an information broker. He's sixteen and he looks far too young for the part, he spends most of the time shadowing the shitty glasses guy. Everyone else gets to spar and fight and learn how to protect, and his job was to steal things out of pretty heads. It fit. That's fine by him. He doesn't have to do a lot of work. He's still learning, but he has to do a lot of writing. Pages of analysis and when he's not doing that, he has to help the science department.   
  
And that's when he sees god for the very first time.   
  
There's a woman in a lab coat and she has a stern gaze. She wears her long hair in a tight ponytail, it skims her lower back. She's covered in blue blood and alien intestines and Kaoru thinks, this is where he would happily pledge his loyalty. At the feet of this beautiful woman.   
  
Dr. Kanzaki is finishing her late husband's work. Her child just enrolled in the academy and she is doing her part to help the war effort. The Kanzakis were proud fighters. Warriors. A lineage that could be traced back to the age of samurai. Her battlefield is a little different. When she looks at Kaoru, she looks at him with a cold stare. He feels like a butterfly in a glass case. All pinned up.   
  
"Hakaze."   
  
He should get used to that tone of disdain. He should be polite.   
  
He lifts his chin and gives her a level stare.   
  
"Can I help you?" Get out of those awful clothes, I can help you with anything: doctor, doctor.   
  
"Don't you have somewhere to be. My lab runs on a tight schedule. Are you here for something?"   
  
Tch. Hard sell.   
  
"Only to drop off this."   
  
He puts an envelope in her open hand and she takes it from him. It's a receipt from his last transaction. A kaiju kidney.   
  
Her lips curl into something he doesn't like. That is the look of a scientist.   
  
He leaves her be.   
  
Kaoru doesn't go to the lab very much. His job is out on the streets and he carries a nice umbrella with him. Just in case it rains. He wears his blond hair in a bun. He's growing it out.

* * *

Seventeen and he's alone. It's really okay. He should be used to it, he should be used to a lot of things. At the very least, he's filling out these suits and Kunugi doesn't criticize him mercilessly anymore. He's taller and bigger and he's learned a thing or two about trust and loyalty and all those things he's not particularly good at. The streets are more home to him than the dome. Kanata and Chiaki would protest. That's on them. They're having a great time.   
  
He's jealous.   
  
It's obvious, painfully so. Written all over his face.   
  
He spends the night in a seedy hotel. He tries to, at least. He wants this, he bargains with the girl at the front desk and she smells like perfume and alcohol and she tells him, asks him, what's a fucking kid doing here.   
  
So he's relegated to the lobby when a man with dark hair and dark eyes floats from the staircase. He only looks like that from afar, when he walks past Kaoru on his way out, he realizes he can't be more than a couple years older than him.   
  
Rei Sakuma is a patron of this establishment for a different reason. His lips are wine red and Kaoru Hakaze feels something in his chest beat.   
  
It's disgusting.   
  
"Oh?"   
  
They're outside the hotel now, and one of Rei's butlers already has an umbrella out for him. Kaoru's staring at him. Not subtle. A glare, even.   
  
"A fox's come to play with me."   
  
"What's your name."   
  
"Rei Sakuma. And yours?"   
  
He talks like he's a hundred years old but he's gotta be eighteen, nineteen. His cheeks are gaunt and his eyes are red, and bloodshot but he carries himself so easily. He's brimming with charisma and it only makes Kaoru angry.   
  
"Kaoru Hakaze."   
  
Kaoru doesn't know why he chased after him that day. Or why he accepted the ride home. All he remembers Kunugi chewing him out for the rest of the night. And walking up to his room, past where Chiaki and Kanata were. He peeks behind the circle window. Chiaki has his forehead on Kanata's, dark brown hair on teal blue. He's saying something. They hold hands.   
  
He feels gross just being there. He keeps walking.   
  
When he gets to his room he lies down and hopes something kills him before he's twenty three. At least he'll still be beautiful.

* * *

He turns twenty one with little fanfare. He goes to the love hotel and has sex. He gets drunk at the bar next door. Rei Sakuma picks him up.  
  
At one point, he's decided he'll be his double agent. Maybe it was after the real pinot noir or the messy kiss they shared in the back seat.   
  
He likes girls. Honest to god.   
  
He's just lonely.   
  
"Whatever helps you sleep at night." Rei leaves a particularly nasty bite.   
  
His teeth are sharp. If Kaoru was stupider than people thought he was, he would've said Rei was a vampire.   
  
But that's impossible.   
  
And silly.   
  
And becoming more and more of a possibility with every year that went by.

* * *

Chiaki and Kanata stop piloting.  
Kaoru has established a terrible connection between the dome and the Sakuma clan.   
Dr. Kanzaki, the god, cries at her child's initiation ceremony. No one says a thing.   
  
He's twenty five. He's living on borrowed time.   
  
The new batch of pilots, they're still wide eyed. Naive. Even the two pilots people whisper the most about, the bloodhound and the bear, the ones bred for this, are too green.   
  
Kaoru knows. He's had to clean up their messes once, or twice. Even Chiaki and Kanata weren't spared from the jaeger's curse.   
  
It's life.   
  
He doesn't know these kids. They stay away from scary places and stick to the mess hall, the dojo. Kaoru takes his evening stroll and ends up there one night. He's lounging by the room with the floor to ceiling mirrors and wood panel floors, and he hears grunts.   
  
Now.   
Who's fighting at this hour.   
He slips by undetected for the most part and takes his place behind a wall, and peeks over the corner.   
  
Someone's practicing with a real sword, wide strikes and steps, the sword is an extension of their will.   
  
And Kaoru, he thinks, he's fallen in love.   
  
Long hair. Glistening. It's the color of twilight. Fair skin, smooth and pale, he can see his dark brown fingers skimming over their collarbone. Mm.   
  
Mmmm.   
He wouldn't mind meeting a specimen like that.   
  
"Tch."   
  
And that's how he gets a sword pressed against his throat.   
  
Kaoru raises his hands up. Easy there.   
  
Souma Kanzaki is as cruel as his mother.   
  
The shining jewel of the pilot academy.   
  
The most beautiful person in the world. Souma would dethrone his mother as the god of Kaoru's world. All he had to say was please.   
  
Worship me.   
  
"Do you have anything better to do, scum?"   
  
Kaoru arches a brow. He puts a hand over his lips, acts offended for the sake of playing off of him.   
  
"I could ask for your name, for starters. Someone as pretty as you is sure to have something that doesn't disappoint." Kaoru reaches his hand out, taps Souma's lips with two fingers. One, two. Souma flinches. His sword falls.   
  
Ah. A weak spot.   
  
Souma kicks him in the shin and Kaoru follows suit, christ.   
  
"Don't touch me."   
  
Did the foot-on-leg contact not count?   
  
"Right, right. I'll keep it in mind."   
  
Souma doesn't even look at him. That hurts more. He picks up his sword and sheathes the blade.   
  
"My name is Souma Kanzaki."   
  
He's on his way out. Kaoru's gaze trails down to his hips. He has a dancer's figure. Light. Nice thighs.   
  
"Don't ever speak to me again."   
  
Kaoru protests.   
  
"You didn't even ask for my name."   
  
He's still on the floor.   
That's when Souma looks at him. The contempt is so obvious it feels like a slap to the face.   
  
"Everyone knows about the red wing's coward. Hakaze."   
  
And he's gone.   
Thanks. For nothing.   
  
Souma Kanzaki pilots with Adonis Otogari. For someone so righteous, so obsessed with punishing evil, Kaoru wonders how he feels about being called the bloodhound.   
  
He's decided. Kaoru will do his best to show Souma he is very, very capable of being serious.   
  
He's just not sure where to start. He mentions him in passing during one of Sakuma's tea parties.   
  
"Ah, youth."   
  
He forgets about Rei Sakuma.   
(Rei does not forget about him.)   
  
For someone so desperate for acceptance, he's got a lovely track record of pursuing people who treat him like shit.

* * *

"Are you a masochist, Hakaze?"  
"Only in your dreams, Sena."

They smoke outside the dome, in the sleet and fog. Izumi Sena’s hair is the same color as the sky. 

* * *

It becomes a story of how the pilot academy's ace pilot and the academy's favorite good bad guy end up making out in one of the badly lit science department supply closets. Souma's got his knee in between Kaoru's thighs and he clutches the layers of fabric, the dark suit and white shirt, Kaoru's already tying his regulation tie around his wrists. Souma hisses into his mouth and Kaoru is so gentle. He is kind. and Souma hates it, he pulls and tugs until he can't anymore, and Kaoru cuts braille in his skin. Dot. Dot. Dash. Babe. Doll. Dear. Souma bites his tongue. Dot dot dot. Dash. It's an incoherent mess. 

Blood dribbles down his lips and Kaoru kisses him clean.

It becomes a story on how Adonis deals with their unresolved sexual tension during the drift.   
It is not fun.

* * *

Kaoru knows how his story ends.

He will die at the end of all of this, and Souma, well. He'll be put out of commission after he feels Adonis break and has to pilot them to wherever safety is. A big loss. Loss is a word no one has ever associated with them, but Souma Kanzaki loses so much. Losing that ever-established sense of control is what ruins him. He becomes a berserker. He has to come to terms with it. It is a lonely journey, covered in blue blood.   
  
Kaoru visits him in the hospital every day. Souma tries to strangle him. It's really sad.   
  
It's sad because Souma is crying with his fingers wrapped around his throat and Kaoru strokes his back. He says that running away is sometimes the only option. It's worse to stay and die. It's worse to waste somebody else's sacrifice. He'll be the one who helps him through physical therapy and Souma hates being vulnerable. He rests his head against his shoulder. But only for a moment. Do not get used to it.   
  
They get used to it, anyways.   
  
Souma can't drift anymore. He thinks too much and it's a bad history and a bad future. Arashi Narukami tries. She's the only one who gets it.   
  
It doesn't work out.   
  
Adonis is quiet. Hopefully he'll wake up soon. Even Kaoru's wondering when he's going to drag him around places again. Please, don't leave them alone for so long.   
  
He’s almost desperate because Souma needs him.   
And the only person who Souma has right now, is him.   
  
It's kind of pathetic.   
  
(Souma falls asleep draped across Kaoru's lap. He runs his fingers through long, long hair, god. He loves Souma's hair. It's the most beautiful thing he's ever seen and he leans down to kiss his temple.)   
  
"I'll be the thorn at your side, Souma-chan."   
  
It's the only thing he's ever been good at.   
  
Kaoru Hakaze looks at the sea. He's twenty six this year.   
  
He's lived far too long for someone who's only found value in somebody else's skin.

**Author's Note:**

> lmfao  
> pacific rim au...in MY shitty idol game? it's more likely than u think. it's really funny bc rv, val, and i all talked about this au on twitter and it was like...oh...kaoru doesn't exist in it. 
> 
> my only goal was for souma+kaoru to kiss at one point and suddenly we had a sprawling narrative for surferguy69 in this already super expansive au. i really want my next fic in the series to be about chiaki and kanata so i felt like this would be one way of setting the stage? lmfao ESPECIALLY BECAUSE...they're actual jaeger pilots....and kaoru is not.
> 
> anyways. i hope u enjoy it as much as i liked writing it. i love kaoru hakaze. my son. my beautiful, terrible son.
> 
> ANYWAYS hmu up on twitter if u wanna talk enstars @oceanblogging  
> see ya  
> \--angie


End file.
